when hunger talks
by i-nak
Summary: One ordinary day in which the Marauders get lost in the Forbidden Forest, gives up, and sits under a tree... So they've nothing to do but - talk. Until someone gets hungry.


Title: When hunger talks  
  
Spoilers: I can spoil milk as fast as making this fic!  
  
Disclaimer: I haven't figured out how to alter JK's memory but when I do... never mind.  
  
Summary: The Marauders somehow got lost in the Forbidden Forest and decided to take it in and accept that they're not getting out. So they sit under a tree and just – talk. Well, until someone gets hungry.  
  
Author's Notes: I was once called errrrrr, by the way, and I wanted to make my one errrrrr fic alive again. Watch out.  
  
****  
  
Sirius: I'm bored.  
  
Remus: (sarcastically) Well that's unbelievably new.  
  
Sirius: Is it? I'm bored.  
  
Remus: Stop that! You've only been saying that at least ten times.  
  
Sirius: Ten? I must be losing my touch... I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm –  
  
James: Well it's not my fault we're here.  
  
Remus: I thought we were done with that.  
  
James: I thought so too. But that was three hours ago.  
  
Peter: Can we just look for a way out? I'm sure someone else is hungry.  
  
Remus: How can you think about food at a time like this?  
  
Sirius: I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm –  
  
James: He always thinks about food, Moony. Sheesh, what's with you today? Could you please stop that, Padfoot?  
  
Sirius: Well, I AM bored.  
  
James: Then do something worthwhile.  
  
Peter: Like fetch me something to eat.  
  
Sirius: *grabs a stick and hands it to Peter* You're lucky if this happens to be a bowtruckle who just ate woodlice.  
  
Peter: Gross. Could you throw that away?  
  
Sirius: Stop acting like a girl and just eat it.  
  
James: Are you out of your mind? It's just a stick.  
  
Sirius: Are you saying my mind's a stick or my stick is just a mind or -?  
  
James: Honestly, what's with us today? We're the Marauders. We're the height of cool, we're looked up to, we're at the top of our classes –  
  
Sirius: At least I am.  
  
James: *ignores Sirius* and what's good about being Marauders is that we never give up!  
  
Remus: I thought we just did.  
  
James: Oh yeah. Well, nice knowing you.  
  
Remus: What do you mean?  
  
James: Well, if we're going to be stuck here forever we'll have to eat, right?  
  
Remus: (hesitantly) Right...  
  
James: So one of us has to be eaten.  
  
Remus & Peter: WHAT?  
  
Sirius: That's an incredible idea, Prongs! I vote Remus to be eaten first.  
  
Remus: Why me?  
  
Sirius: Because if we still survive for three weeks, you are going to turn into a werewolf and no doubt eat us all.  
  
Remus: I don't eat junk food.  
  
James: I disagree with Sirius.  
  
Remus: Thank you!  
  
James: If Remus does turn into a werewolf, we can turn into Animagi and if we do Remus can't eat us.  
  
Remus: Exactly!  
  
James: But we can certainly eat him after that when he's all weak and stuff.  
  
Peter: To me, eating Remus is like eating a tarantula. Either you bite it or it bites you, you'll just end up poisoned.  
  
Sirius: Well that was surprisingly intellectual of you, Peter.  
  
James: But we're still eating Remus, right?  
  
Remus: Oh how supportive of you, James. Well since you suggested it, I vote you be eaten first.  
  
Sirius: That makes sense...  
  
James: Sirius, you wouldn't know sense if it bit you in the arse.  
  
Sirius: Is that so? Well I vote James to be eaten - roasted. *smirks*  
  
Remus: Splendid!  
  
James: No fair! What about Peter? He's chubby and fat and full of meat! He's practically doing nothing but eat all day! He's bound to be tasty!  
  
Sirius: Now that you've mentioned it...  
  
Peter: No way! I'm damp, cold, and in the Forbidden Forest! I'm not in the mood to be eaten.  
  
James: Alright, let's do it again. I vote Sirius to be eaten. That's my final decision.  
  
Sirius: No way, look at me.  
  
Remus: We are, can't you tell?  
  
Sirius: I mean I'm lean, thin, and implausibly remarkable. You can't eat me.  
  
Remus: Well I vote Peter to be eaten first. Then Sirius. Then James.  
  
Sirius: Why the hell is that?  
  
Remus: Because like James said, Peter's tasty. You – you're just irritating me. James is last because if he turns into a stag, that makes him yummier.  
  
Sirius: I vote Remus be eaten. After all, how are we sure you won't bite us while we're eating someone else?  
  
James: Well one vote for Sirius, one for Peter, and one for Remus. Wormtail, it's up to you. Sirius or Remus? You won't vote yourself, after all.  
  
Remus: Well why can't he vote for you? After all, you can turn into a stag.  
  
James: Because I play Quidditch.  
  
Sirius: Is there any connection?  
  
James: Yes. If I get out of here, I can still play and lead the team to victory.  
  
Sirius: That's if you get out.  
  
Peter: I told you idiots. I'm damp, cold, and in the Forbidden Forest. I'm not in the mood to vote.  
  
Sirius: Vote for Remus, Peter, and I'll give you my sweater.  
  
Remus: (sarcastically) Well that's reasonable. Picking a sweater over a friend.  
  
Peter: Yeah, I suppose it is. Alright Sirius, give me the sweater.  
  
James: You're actually taking it? Just how shrewd are you, moron?  
  
Peter: Hey, stop calling me moron! Fine, I vote James to be eaten.  
  
Sirius: Well this turned out as stupid as the one who suggested it.  
  
Remus: That coming from someone who called this idea "incredible".  
  
James: Whatever. So who are we eating?  
  
Remus: No one, obviously. You voted for Sirius, I voted for Peter, Sirius voted for me, and Peter voted for you.  
  
Peter: I'm still hungry. Why can't one of us just decide who the rest of us are going to eat?  
  
James: Exactly! Well, being the leader, I want Sirius to be eaten.  
  
Sirius: And who said you could say I get eaten?  
  
Remus: Fine let's just draw straws.  
  
Peter: We don't have any straws.  
  
James: Then let's draw wands.  
  
Sirius: Or we duel. Last man standing gets to say who gets eaten.  
  
Remus: Let's just draw wands. It's too dangerous to duel.  
  
James: No, I actually want to duel. Me and Sirius, you and Peter.  
  
Remus: My, this is thrilling.  
  
Sirius: Petrificus Totalus!  
  
James: *drops petrified*  
  
Sirius: *points wand at Peter* Stupefy!  
  
Peter: *drops unconscious*  
  
Remus: *raises his wand*  
  
Sirius: *points wand at Remus* Expelliarmus!  
  
Remus: Protego! Stupefy!  
  
Sirius: *drops wandless and unconscious*  
  
Remus: Well... that was fun after all. 


End file.
